20090501
I Need Your Help...
(B.A.R.T. stands for Bay Area Rapid Transit)
This is a long poem I wrote called "Eye Machine". It's a part of my new manuscript, called Ghost Machine. It is written in a form I made up: the poem has ten sections, each section has ten lines, and each lines has ten words. The end of each section stops mid-sentence and continues at the beginning of the next section.
All of the lines in "Eye Machine" were taken from other poems in the manuscript. Some of them are slightly altered from their original form and others are the same. Also, I replaced every I in the poem with Eye.
I am going to post all ten parts of "Eye Machine" over the next twenty days, because I want people to have critical thoughts about it and then write those critical thoughts in the comments section. Even if your comment is, "This is some stupid nonsense and a waste of time," I will A.) feel gratified that you took the time to listen to my poem and make a thoughtful statement about it and B.) consider your comment in a serious manner regarding the aesthetic value of my poem. Also, you can post you comments anonymously, I don't care.
You Are the Best,
Ben
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14 comments:
I really like the end of the section construct, where it stops mid sentence and will be picked up at the start of the next section.
One is left with the question of what that sentence will lead into, which I find leads me into an attempt to sum up the section as a whole in order to infer what may come next. This in turn leads into a closer examination of the individual parts/lines as they relate to the section as a whole, an approach which has an almost mathematical feel to it. The fact that you state you chose the lines as pieces from other poems in the manuscript lends further to the idea of breaking down and building up again, of parts and pieces and the things they make.
The every car is her line was my favorite.
(the video is a little distracting)
Why 10?
I like what you said about the mathematical feel. That's something I find desirable and in line with the formal goals of the poem.
I wasn't sure if I was going to post this poem because it's meant to be read. I think it works more when a reader sees it in print, but I wanted to try it out, with images from some of my favorite films, anyway. after your comment, though, I do see how the video adds a layer of complexity that may or may not work well with the words.
Also, the poem doesn't feel finished and I hope others can see it more objectively and help me to feel differently about it.
I like the number 10. I wanted to use it because it was a number I had been thinking about and because it's composed of a 1 and a 0: the number that's the smallest possible grouping of reality and the "number" that represents the absence of that reality. Something about that feels like it connects to "Eye Machine" in a literal and figurative manner. Like maybe "Eye Machine: is trying to substantiate a reality that is insubstantial, like memory. Does that sound convoluted?
Thank for your comments Bri.
it sounds a little like it's written by a serial killer. i look forward to the other parts being even more choppy, pun intended. The setting is definitely internal. I wonder if the POV should even more unreliable. I want form and content to be more closely married, i guess. But it's hard really seeing in a video, cuz Star Wars happened in the 80s, as we all
know. I have serious problems with I being replaced with Eye. Perhaps because Eye reminds me of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, and there doesn't seem to be an ocular tragedy in the piece yet. Maybe if we read it on the screen instead of watching Star Wars? Maybe the ocular tragedy is
forthcoming. Star Wars was a great movie, but it's definitely not a poem. It's not that your videography isn't stunning but if you'd just posted it we would be chill, but instead it's created this weird distance between the reader and the text, especially when asked to be critical. God, star wars was an awesome
movie!
The choppy feeling is definitely a part of the poem. All the lines went through a collaging process before they got to where they are. I wanted the poem to have a quality of seamlessness, while maintaining a feeling of monotony.
Ocular tragedy. I like that. I don't know how to justify the I/Eye thing. It was kind of the impulse that created the poem. I had a ton of lines that began with "I" and I wanted to construct a large poem out of them to fill a specific void in a larger manuscript. Originally it was called "I Machine," which never seemed right. I do like the idea of the narrator of the poem being nothing but a huge eyeball that just records things without pretense. That was kind of my mental state when I first wrote the lines and I'd like to poem to capture of articulate that. Mainly, the I/Eye just came about naturally.
The clip is from Donnie Darko. Maybe I will try out some other options, instead of clips. Does anyone know how to capture audio only and post it to a blog? I've never done that before.
Thank you anonymous person.
I changed the clip to a still from Blade Runner.
You went down on the breeze? Bro I hope you used proper protection.
I can never touch the same breast twice!
This is great, Ben. I love the end of the 7th section, how it just ends on the transitive verb. It's a real jarring moment for the listener/reader, and fits in perfectly with the sense of motion, which seems to be integral to the poem.
I always use protection. The breeze gets around.
Thanks. I like the way each section ends midsentence, too. "Jarring," vs. "motion" is also a desirable effect.
Now the large eyeball performing his noble-ocular (sounds like no binocular) works comes across far better with the new visuals. Eye-ing breasts and going down on the wind are by far the most cool lines. Have you ever thought about how one eye can't see in 3d and how you need that 2nd eye to see depth? Perhaps that's why this poor eye is so jarring and motion sick!? Awwww! Poor baby! Also touching an eye is totally gross and weird!
I never thought of the one eye vs. two eyes thing. That's rad.
part ten leaves me feeling wrecked. I'll say more things when I can think again.
i've never felt more depressed in my entire life.
This is a car accident that I can't stop looking at. It breaks my heart and I want to see it in more detail.
-a ben's eyes fan
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