I don't know what I am doing.

I am surrounded by all these poems. I have a lot of poems that I don't know what to do with. Maybe they're good, but I don't know. They are probably mediocre. I want someone to publish them, but they do not seem publishable. Either they are works of misunderstood genius or they are mediocre.

I am going to try to write a chapbook, but maybe I have enough poems for a book book. I probably have enough poems for two chapbooks, but I don't know. I don't know what to do.

I am afraid that my poems are "all over the place". I am afraid I will never be able to make a coherent aesthetic statement with my poems. I am afraid I don't know anyone who will publish my poems.

I published my own poems once. I published a chapbook called Diagrams and one called Collected Ghost. I published Diagrams in 2004 and Collected Ghost in 2005. I think those poems are sophomoric now.

The covers were the best part about the chapbooks. One was a lithograph of my dad when he was fifteen with some cranes in the background fighting each other. I drew all the lettering on the cover by hand, using my Royal Quiet DeLuxe typewriter font as a model. The other cover was a collage I made using a bunch of old collages and the outline of Maryline Monroe from an old Playboy I found at the Oakland Flea Market. I spent a lot of time on the poems and a lot of time on the covers. (If you click on the pictures you can see them better. Please, do.) I also spent a lot of time at Office Max copying the poems for the guts of the chapbooks. I was going to make another chapbook called Notebooks of the Mouse Prince, but I never did.

I still have copies of Collected Ghost and one copy of Diagrams. If you want one, email me or leave me a comment with your address and I will send you one for free.

I don't want to publish my own writing ever again. I think I was pretty good at it, but I don't want to do it again. I want someone else to publish my work, but my poems are a shit-hole fuck mess.

I am just going to write this and go to bed.